Noah Dill – Audio Journals

Noah Dill has a lot to think about.

Listen to her audio journals to discover what she thinks about herself, Astor, Juke, and Chaunce and Astrid (the Kids will be available after their information is revealed in the story). She'll have more to say as time goes along, so check back!

Click any highlighted portion of the scene to find both audio and text journals.

Noah Dill – Audio Journals
Noah Astrid MONSTER: I Think About Astor Chaunce Jukel


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I never knew what I was capable of. For most of my life, I was just bored.

This is a special type of boredom. It sinks into your bones and just makes you sit around. Smoke. My parents were scientists and had big plans for me. I didn’t really have any plans.


I was just bored, raunchy Noah.


When Astor came in as a foster kid it was...instant. No one else seemed to notice how different she was. I hounded her for months about it, just had to know. What was it about her that seemed so rare and dignified?


Did you know that people with Devil Syndrome are immortal? Or they’re supposed to be. When she told me about it I almost choked.


How interesting. Here was a girl who was actually interesting.


And suddenly I was interested in science. I wanted to know everything about this condition, everything that made Astor tick, everything that she would go through. She was so shy and quiet and mean. And, slowly, I got her to open up to me.


No one else could do it. But I’m supportive, funny, ridiculous Noah. If anyone could do it, it was me.


When I met Osh, he was like a brick wall. Almost as shy as Astor but more willing to put his fist through your jaw. Oh man, let some dude even look at her - Osh was in and out of juvie. And he still graduated top of our class. Even Astor couldn’t get him to talk about what happened to them, to really face it. It took me forever, but I became something like his personal therapist. He’s even broken a couple jaws for me.


No one else could make him talk about the terrible shit that happened. But I’m nurturing, sweet, beautiful Noah. I got it out of him.


Juke’s mine. Has been mine since that first day. And Juke melts when I’m around. Even after we had Chaunce, Juke licks his lips when I walk in the room. Someone else could be talking to him and he’ll stop them mid-conversation to say hi to me.


No one else could fix his broken heart from his momma leaving. No one else could help him come to terms with how he felt about it. Just me. Just Noah.


You know, I may be a bit conceited. I deserve it. I changed a lot of people’s lives. But I’d be lying if I said they didn’t change mine, too.


When I met Astor, I knew I was lucky. When I met her future husband, Osh, I knew I was protected. When I met Juke, I knew I was destined for love.


I never knew what I was capable of. But maybe, I don’t know...maybe I’ll save all of us.


If anyone can do it, I can.


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I feel sorry for the girl.


You know, it’s hard being anything less than perfect with a momma like Astor. Every single time Astrid stutters, ugh, I feel her momma clench her fist.


Every time she has another coughing fit? Astor grits her teeth. I’m surprised she still has any.


And it’s not her fault she can’t talk. We can’t all have perfect diction and a huge vocabulary. It’s just not how things work. You can’t tell that woman anything, though. She glares at her daughter until the poor girl is shaking in fear.


I didn’t notice it at first. If you put her and Moose and Astrid in the same room, she showers Moose with love. It’s beautiful to watch. I wish I was half the mother she is to Moose, even for a second. He speaks well, he dresses like a little nerd, and he’s a momma’s boy. She loves it.


And then she’s alone with Astrid and it’s all mean faces and commands and just this general vicious vibe.


I know there’s some type of perfectionism going on there. She’s used to being the best and she wants her daughter to be even better. But Astrid is a child. She’s smart, she’s fun, she’s happy for the most part, but she’s definitely a child.


When Astor goes to work and I watch Astrid, she makes the poor girl read a dictionary out loud to me. I don’t care, I stop her. I let her play. Go destroy something with Chaunce.


I just...can’t help feeling sorry for the girl. She’ll never get the side of her momma that the rest of us do. She will always be held to a higher standard, and how do you get much higher than where Astor already is?


Something has to give.


MONSTER: I Think About Astor

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If we're being honest here, I really don't have a personality.
My family was rich and prominent and I just couldn't wait to get out of there. I married Juke when I was young and met Astor when I was even younger. Osh is okay, yeah, but those two people make up my entire mindset. I'm all cigarettes, Astor's attitude, and Juke's big ass hands. Throw my kid in there somewhere, I guess. I do my best to forget I have one.
Somewhere in there, I get lost as background noise.
Nothing is ever just about me.
Every now and then I leave my kid out on the driveway when I put my groceries up. I light a cigarette, stand in the window, and don't remember that she exists until I hear her crying, or she comes over and starts banging on the glass. I don't do it on purpose. I it.
Every now and then I'm putting on makeup, something nice and sultry for a night out, and then I just stop. I can't move. I sit and stare at myself, at my big eyes in the mirror. I sit there without moving until I can figure out how to use my hands again.
I almost burned my hair off once. Just sitting there with the curling iron steaming my strand of hair until the smoke turned dark.
Something's...wrong. I can't pretend I don't notice it. No one can, really. It all has to do with Astor. My best friend in the world, my almost adopted sister, my day one. She's killing me.
You know, sometimes I just stare at her. She's beautiful. I mean, she's mean and always annoyed and just generally unpleasant to be around. And that's usually funny to me. But lately, I'm just really staring at her. Soaking her up.
Engulfing her. It makes her uncomfortable, of course, but what can either of us do?
The past few months, day after day, I smoke cigarettes and I wait for her. I think about her until she's a cloud in my head. More than thoughts, more than memories. All I have in my head is Astor.
It's not an attraction. It's not admiration. It's literally just me thinking about HER. What is she doing? Where is she going?  What would she want me to do right now?
My kid, I leave her in the driveway. I light up a cigarette. I think about Astor.
Like I said, nothing is ever just about me. That never changes. But I don't remember the last time I wasn't thinking about Astor Snow.


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It might not seem like I like my kid, but I love my kid.


You won’t catch me calling her my baby or my little angel or pinching her cheeks. Sometimes, I don’t know...I sit her on my lap and I play with all the hair that she has. I kiss her on her forehead. And then I'm just exhausted and I have to smoke a cigarette.


I don’t know what it is. Something about her just never sat right with me.


Listen, I’m not stupid. I don’t say anything about it to Astor or Juke. I don’t bring it up around Osh. They’re all so invested in ‘family’. Every now and then Astor and I get to go out and have fun like we used to, just us, and we leave the kids and our husbands. Those are the only times when I really feel alive. Shit, sometimes I don’t even smoke a cigarette when we’re out.


You know what’s terrible? I can deal with Astor’s kids. Astrid’s so cute. She’s so quiet and sweet and doesn’t bother me when I’m smoking a cigarette. Moose doesn’t bother me ever. He just sits around looking like his sister’s secret service agent or something.


But Chaunce? Chaunce is everywhere. You put her down for two seconds and she’s in the dishwasher. You take a piss and she’s on the floor. Sometimes I’m talking to Juke and she’ll come into the room and open her mouth really wide, like impossibly wide, and suck in a bunch of air. No noise, no movement. She just stands there until I say something, anything, to her. It’s weird. I can’t breathe around her sometimes.


Astor used to joke that I stared at her too much. That my eyes were too big and she felt like I was trying to swallow her alive. But she has never had to deal with Chaunce’s big ass eyes just glued onto her. My kid watches me and her eyes move like one of those haunted paintings, they follow me everywhere. I hate it.


Things die around Chaunce. I really mean that. We go to the park and, no shit, squirrels always end up dead. Cats. I light a cigarette and turn my back and the whole park is full of dead squirrels. Juke just laughs at me when I tell him this but, listen...I’m not crazy. She kills things.


It might not seem like it, but I love my kid. She’s beautiful, she’s pretty much a tiny me. But...I don’t know.


I just know that there’s something dangerous about her.


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Jukel blocked out the sun when I was what...15?
It was like a total eclipse. I turned and he was standing there, staring at me, barely breathing. And that was it. He's been mine ever since.
I'm the only one allowed to call him Jukel. The only one allowed to see him at night when he's tired and normal. When he seems more human and isn't trying to be the strongest or funniest guy in the world. Astor might be the one he confides in but I get the important parts. The ones that make him a real person.
I met him when he was still in love with Astor and almost kind of stalking her. And maybe he never stopped being in love with her, who knows. Who isn't.
But I knew when he saw me that he wasn't meant for her. We all knew it. It was like the wind knocked out of him, he just couldn't breathe for a minute. I'm used to attention but...honestly...nothing will ever match that moment. He swallowed me up. And Jukel's always been huge. 6'4. I have to adjust my neck just to see him. I wish I had a hinge on there or something. But me, I've always been the smallest person in the room if there aren't any children around.
We are opposites and, somehow, the same.
I don't care about a lot. May not be the best Mom on this planet, not even close. But Jukel holds a special place in my little bored heart.
He blocked the sun out, but it's never been dark with him. Never.